Betrayal,Forgiveness, Love and Redemption Ch 4
by pinklotus
Summary: Summary : -Set around the time of "Finding Judas", story begins right after House hits Chase.Ch4. "Damn,You're Young,Well I Don't Think I Care" is up. House has misgivings about him and Chase;Tritter threatens House.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Betrayal, Forgiveness, Love and Redemption.

Pairing: House/Chase

Rating: R

Summary: Set around the time of "Finding Judas", it starts when House hits Chase because he suspects Chase of betraying him. In this chapter House is left with questions about Chase's real feelings towards him and his own in return.

Disclaimer: I own nothing House related.

The moment that my fist hit Chase's jaw I felt regret. I knew it was a mistake, but unfortunately real life doesn't rewind and there was no way I could take it back.

He staggered and wiped his lip.

I winced when I saw it had split and was bleeding.

"You think I was the one who betrayed you," he said softly. "Well you know what? Fuck you, House. I guess the part where you said you understood what I did before and forgave me was just another example of your famous expression 'everybody lies.' "

And without another word or glance he walked away.

All day long I kept expecting Cuddy to come in and tell me off, or yell at me for getting yet another lawsuit added to the list the hospital was currently battling.

But she never did.

At the end of the day I saw Chase at his desk, and I took a deep breath and prepared to apologize.

The words stuck in my throat as I saw he was clearing off his desk.

"Going somewhere?" I asked. Damn, no matter how hard I try (although to be truthful I usually don't try very hard) I can't stop myself from being sarcastic when I get flustered. My tongue gets sharper and sharper the less I feel in control of a situation. When you add guilt to that (which I very rarely admit to but nonetheless feel) I am a bigger bastard then I usually am.

Which is saying something.

Chase didn't even bother to look up and said nothing.

"Aren't you going to say something? Ream me out, tell me off? After all, you're obviously leaving. What do you have to lose?"

Silence.

"What's the matter with you? Don't you have any balls? I hit you and you didn't hit me back. Now you're leaving and you won't even yell at me? "

See? I can't stop myself. I was really panicking and I didn't even know why.

"What kind of man are you that you won't stand up to me? What did you do-go crying to Cuddy and get yourself transferred? Couldn't even face me and tell me that you were leaving! And what about your patients? Don't you think you owe it to them to give them some closure?"

He laughed at me.

"Since when do you give a shit about giving the patients closure? You don't even like to see them!"

Chase can be sarcastic when he wants to be. He also knows how to go for the jugular, though he doesn't like to.

I usually get a perverse sort of pleasure from getting him close to that, but right now all I felt was some kind of weird tightness in my chest.

"For your information I talked to the patients -both of them, and told them I was transferring. I'll still be around the hospital if they need to see me." He sighed and said pointedly. "I just won't be here anymore. Thank God."

"What did you tell Cuddy? That I brutalized you, that you couldn't take working for big bad. abusive House and you wanted out?"

He made a sound that was a combination sneer and snort.

"I didn't tell Cuddy. She heard about it and came to me. She asked what I wanted to do and I told her. I've had it with you. I used to think I could take your shit because you were such a great doctor and I wanted to learn and be the best I could be. But now I'm pretty fucking good already, y'know. So that need to learn from you is outweighed by the dread I feel every morning when I come to work and have to deal with you. I used to think under all that crap and nastiness there was some part of you that actually liked me, that actually gave a shit about me. But you proved me wrong. You really don't. But I want to thank you for letting me see it before I wasted too much more of my time."

And there it was.

A direct hit.

Right to the center of my chest.

I think I might have stepped back from the force of it, staggering like Chase did earlier.

Only not from a physical blow but from an emotional one.

"I ---never knew you felt that way," I said softly.

"Really? Well I'm not surprised. You pride yourself on knowing people, on being able to intuitively know what people are thinking and feeling, but the truth is –" he paused and then gave me another direct hit:

"You haven't got a fuckin' clue."

He packed the remains of his desk into his backpack and reached for his coat and hat.

"I'm going to be working with someone I not only admire but like. Someone who will treat me with the respect you're supposed to give, oh I don't know-another HUMAN being."

As he brushed past me he whispered "I don't know what Cameron ever saw in you."

Then he was gone.

I was on my fourth Scotch and replaying the day over and over in my mind.

I was furious with Chase when I heard that someone had sold me out to that asshole Tritter. I know he talked to the staff, trying to find out if I got Vicodin illegally. Trying to prove I should be in prison, have my license taken away, whatever the fuck that sadistic asshole thought should be punishment for me not kissing his ass when he was in here.

I steadfastly refused to take the blame for that pompous son of a bitch's actions. Ok, I shouldn't have pissed off an "officer of the law".

Probably.

But Jesus, I didn't expect it to become a vendetta.

He apparently had other ideas.

Couching it in his supposed fear for my patients and the hospital, he was trying to bury me.

Chase HAD betrayed me before-is it such a stretch for me to think he'd do it again?

The truth was Chase was right.

I SHOULD have believed him, because we had talked about it and I said I understood. Which I did. And enough time had gone by and there'd been enough reasons for him to betray me again if he'd really wanted to.

But he never did.

I guess a part of me never did forgive him.

I lied when I said I had. But it wasn't a conscious lie.

At least I didn't think it was.

Fuck, this was too much for me! If he wanted to leave, let him leave-why the fuck should I give a shit?

What was it Chase had said? He finally realized he was wrong because he "actually thought you gave a shit"-damn, here I was saying I really didn't.

But again, that was a lie. I did.

What else had Chase said? "I thought you liked me"-and "I want to thank you for proving me wrong and not letting me waste anymore of my time."

What the fuck had that meant?

Why was he wasting his time?

"You really don't have a fucking clue"- I heard his words echo in my head and realized I really didn't have a fucking clue what he was talking about.

I thought about Chase- who tried to hide his need for connection and approval behind a smooth and cool façade. Chase, who had an annoying need to be right and was stubborn in his beliefs and opinions.

Chase-who could be cutting and cruel but was also extremely warm, and…kind.

I'd seen him be incredibly caring when he thought no one was watching. With the same patient he'd been making snide remarks about ten minutes before.

I thought about the way he could make everybody laugh with his very dry sense of humor that even I had to admit was funny. Well, I sometimes would admit it. Not always.

I found myself thinking of ridiculous things. The way his smile lit up the whole fucking room. I teased him about it, but I always looked for that smile.

I frowned when I realized it had been awhile since I saw that smile directed at me.

It used to be there a lot the time, even when I was teasing or ridiculing him.

I guess that's when he still thought I –liked him?

What the fuck did that mean?

I thought of my stupid comments about his hair (it was so fucking pretty) and his eyelashes (long and fluttery) and his lips (he had the prettiest mouth, pouty lips, that's why he should go to the prison and talk to the inmates and not Foreman).

I teased him about his eyes-(big, blue and sexy:"Do you give Cameron those same soulful stares, or do you just save those for me?" Fuck-I'd actually said that to him! )

Did he think I was coming on to him when I said those things?

I knew Chase was into BDSM at one time, maybe he still was. Of course, that didn't make him bisexual, but who knows what kinds of things went on at those places?

Not me, unfortunately.

"You haven't got a fuckin' clue"…

"Goddamn it!" I threw my glass against the wall and called Wilson.

He came in and wearily sat down.

"House, could you please tell me what the hell is going on? I could hardly understand you on the phone! Why are you drunk? What happened with Chase?"

I sat down and eased my leg over the arm of the couch. It throbbed and I popped a couple more pills into my mouth.

I told Wilson the story without taking practically any breaths and when I was done he let out a big sigh.

"Wow," he said.

"Wow? That's all you have to say? Wow? What the fuck kind of help is that?"

Wilson sighed and put his head in his hands. He's always so dramatic.

"I never thought it was possible, but it sounds like you might be right. I think Chase has a –thing-for you. Or had, anyway."

"How could I not have noticed that? And what am I going to do about it?"

Wilson looked surprised. "What do you mean, what are you going to do about it? Nothing! There's nothing you CAN do about it, and he's no longer gonna be around. So you won't have the awkwardness of dealing with his feelings. Not that I expect you would care all that much about his feelings. You probably would have teased him about them!" Wilson laughed at his own joke.

He thinks he is so amusing sometimes.

"I wouldn't have teased him about it! Would I? No-I wouldn't. I wouldn't have wanted to deal with it."

"So then why worry? You don't have to deal with it now. Poor Chase. Poor misguided Chase."

He shook his head at the folly of Chase's feelings for me.

"What are you talking about?"

"Him, liking you."

He laughed.

"Why is that so funny? Forget it, don't answer that."

He stopped laughing abruptly and looked at me.

"House, do you actually feel something for him? Is that what this is all about? You like him?"

I snarled at him but couldn't say no.

"You do! You feel something for Chase! I should have known when you were so rude to him. You only really do that when you want to keep someone at arm's length. Because you don't want to keep them at arm's length!"

"Shut up, Wilson."

"I'm right, though aren't I? All that teasing about him-you really feel that way, don't you? He's so pretty, he's so sexy, he's so-"

"Shut the fuck up? Jeez, whose stupid idea was it to call you, anyway?"

"You can deny it, but I know you too well. And if I'm not mistaken that was the real reason behind that punch today. You thought he'd betrayed you and it killed you because you do care."

He smiled at me and said "It's been a long time since you felt this way about a man. In fact, I'd wager that your feelings for him are stronger than they ever were for Cameron or Cuddy for that matter."

"Why would you say that?!!" I demanded, knowing how shrill my voice sounded.

"Because look at you-you're a mess! I haven't seen you this way since Stacey! And you're even more defensive than you were with either Cuddy or Cameron."

I sighed because I couldn't really think of a comeback to that.

I hated to admit it, but he was right.

It had been a long time since I had any feelings other than friendship or annoyance for any man. In college I did what kids today refer to as experimenting. I had a few relationships if you could call them that-with other men. I'd enjoyed them, but ultimately saw myself as primarily heterosexual.

Until now.

I felt like screaming.

Not only had I sent Chase running in the opposite direction from me just as I realized I actually cared about him.

I had hurt him.

I knew what I had to do next.

I had to talk to him.

If he'd let me.


	2. Chapter 2

"Everybody Lies"

"Where the fuck do you think you're going?" Wilson asked in astonishment. "It's the middle of the night-you can't go barging over to Chase's apartment and demand to talk to him! Besides, you're drunk. You'll probably say something stupid and Chase will get even angrier at you than he is right now. Or, you'll feel vulnerable about saying something that's actually sweet and will deny it the next day on the grounds that you were drunk. Which will piss Chase off and the whole cycle will start all over again!" He let out a long breath after saying all that. I stared at him and shook my head.

"Damn Wilson, I knew you were long winded but I never would have guessed you could talk that long without taking a breath." I know I sounded sulky, but I hate when Wilson is right. If I went over there now all the things he said would happen probably would.

"Wait until tomorrow. Then approach him cautiously," Wilson sighed. "Or as cautious as you are going to get."

I pushed myself off of the couch and said 'Thanks for your help. I'm going to bed now, could you see yourself out?"

"Yeah, sure. Have a good night," Wilson said this a little sarcastically and I realized I might have been a little abrupt so as he walked away I said: "Wilson. Thanks"

He nodded and let himself out.

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I tried to sleep, but nothing worked. I kept reliving Chase's words, Wilson's words, my actions.

Chase wanted me. Sexually, even- romantically. I could barely register that thought much less believe it.

At 6 am I got up and got ready for work. So what if I was ridiculously early? Maybe it would help me think if I were to concentrate on a case instead of my incredibly hard cock.

Or my incredibly heavy heart.

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When Cameron and Foreman came in they evidently already had heard about what happened and were furious. I was surprised at Foreman. I knew Cameron had a soft heart, and that she and Chase had dated.

They had also fucked, and I had been unreasonably jealous about that. At the time I thought it was because of Cameron, but really it was because of Chase. I know that now. I used to picture them as naked as I almost caught them once, naked and moaning. It hit me with a flash that the body I found myself imagining most often was Chase's, and the moans I kept hearing in my head were his as well.

It might have helped if I could have figured that out a long time ago.

But back to the present.

I could understand Cameron's reaction. I didn't, however, understand Foreman's. Though he and Chase got along better than they had in the past they were hardly close.  
At least as far as I knew.

I sighed when I realized there was so much about these people that I didn't know. Before now I wouldn't have cared.

I had taught myself NOT to care.

But now-what was the relationship between Foreman and Chase? Was it somehow sexual too? I doubted it-Foreman seemed like the straightest guy on the planet, but then again I never thought Chase was bi or gay, either.

I obviously had no gaydar.

"House, how could you do that to Chase?" demanded Cameron in that disapproving schoolmarm voice she used whenever I did something she found objectionable.

Before I could answer Foreman jumped in, his eyes bulging out more than they usually do. "You've done some things that NOBODY should have to take from an employer. But to actually PUNCH an employee, a member of your team, is despicable even for you! I'm surprised Chase isn't suing. I sure as hell would be!"

"Are you finished, ducklings?" I asked in what I hoped was my usual sarcastic tone. It wouldn't do for everybody to know that I was feeling remorse. "Chase is a big boy and he can stand up for himself."

"That's it-you're not going to even try and apologize to him?" Foreman demanded, with Cameron standing beside him shaking her head.

"What I say to Chase is none of your business. But I will tell you this since you'll notice it eventually. Chase asked to be transferred from the team and Cuddy let him. He's going to be working in a department with, and I quote "someone who likes and respects him and who knows how to treat a 'human being'." I said this last part more bitterly than I intended to, but as I looked up I could tell this wasn't a shock to either of them.

"You knew this already?"

They both looked uncomfortable for about a second and then Cameron said, in the exasperated tone you would use on a child: "Of course we knew! We came to him as soon as we heard, and he told us about Cuddy's offer."

"Cuddy's offer?" I asked, not liking where this was going.

"Yes, Cuddy asked him if he wanted to transfer to a different team."

"Really?" I had known Cuddy had spoken to Chase, but I didn't know the transfer had been her idea. Why can't people just stay the fuck out of my business?

"Yes, and he was very upset about leaving," Cameron burst out with this as though she'd been holding it in for years.

"I thought he was unhappy here," I said softly. Could Chase have been lying to me, or was he lying to them? But what purpose would he have to lie to them? They would have understood if he told them he was unhappy. It made more sense that he was lying to me. Making me feel guilty because I'd made him hate the job he once loved.

The two of them exchanged glances and then Foreman said "He loved being here."

Cameron stopped him before he could go further. "But he did look unhappy the last couple of months."

"Yeah," Foreman agreed. "But he said that was due to love problems."

Cameron thankfully picked up on this before I embarrassed myself by inquiring what love problems Chase was having.

"What love problems?"

"Oh you remember," Foreman chided her. "He said he was in love with someone but was afraid it wasn't going to go anywhere because the person wasn't interested in him. He said he was through wasting his time and had to let it go."

I sat up higher in my chair as Foreman's words echoed what Chase had said to me last night. "Thank you for showing me I was wrong before I wasted much more of my time."

Could I be the person Chase was talking about?

I shook my head and said "This is all fascinating but has nothing to do with me. I am not accountable to you two, and if I apologize to Chase it will have nothing to do with you. Now go find something to do."

They remained unmoving, which surprised me. Usually when I used that voice they scampered away and left me in peace.

Today they looked at me stone faced.

"If you don't apologize to Chase and get him back here we're leaving. And we mean it." The words came from Cameron but Foreman was nodding his head as well.

"Really, you two are both just going to up and leave one job without having another?" I shrugged in disdain. They were bluffing and we all knew it.

They surprised me again by shrugging back. Foreman said "We talked to Cuddy and she said she'd place us elsewhere. She knows some doctors who would be willing to step in here. She says you know them and have worked with them before. Sanders, Black and Corrino."

I blinked and said "Who?"

Foreman obliged me by repeating who Cuddy thought would be perfect for MY team.

I seethed inwardly but didn't show it.

"Fine. Do what you want. I'm not being blackmailed."

The two of them looked at me and then at each other and walked silently out the door.

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"You manipulative bitch!" I said as I stormed into Cuddy's office.

"Ah, a new greeting. You need to brush up on originality though. 'Manipulative bitch' is something you've already called me. More than once." She barely glanced up from her desk as she said this, and I brought my cane down on it in a fury.

"Damn it, Cuddy! You have some fuckin' nerve!"

"I have nerve? I have 'Fuckin nerve'? What about you? You PUNCHED an employee in the face. In front of people! Are you out of your goddamned mind? Do you know how many lawsuits we have at the moment? Do you know how Chase could publicly embarrass this hospital-and you I might add- if he wanted to? Do you really want that on top of all your other legal issues with Tritter?"

"Chase didn't come to you. You came to him!"

"I was being proactive. I heard what happened and was taking steps to appease him."

"You were the one who suggested he leave. He wasn't going to do that on his own!" I couldn't help shrieking at this point.

"I did that so he wouldn't quit and sue for damages! Why do you care, anyway? You can't tell me you want him around. You're the one who punched him!"

"It's none of your business what I want and don't want. The point is that he didn't want to leave ("me", I silently added) and you pushed him into it. I need him-on the team. He's smart ("and so damn beautiful " I think to myself) and I value his input ("and I need to have him close to me," my mind goes on, "need to feel he's close by").

Cuddy is looking at me strangely, and for a moment I fear I spoke out loud. But I know she'd look a lot more shocked if I actually had said the things I was thinking. Christ, what the hell was wrong with me?

I go back to the point I was trying to make.

"We could have worked this out in the team. Now I have two other employees leaving me if I don't go apologize to Chase, and you're sending me three people you know I don't want-people of YOUR choosing-in their place!"

"So go apologize to Chase and then you won't have to worry about it. If he doesn't come back the team will know that you tried to make amends."

"Make amends, more of that 12 step rehab crap! I am not MAKING AMENDS, and now you've put me in an impossible position. If I don't apologize to Chase I'll lose my team. If I do then the team thinks they can manipulate me by threatening to transfer whenever they don't want to do something I ask them to do."

"Ask? When do you ever ask anyone to do anything, House? That's the problem with you. You're brilliant, but you're socially, well challenged would be putting it kindly. You push people and when they break you blame THEM! You should apologize to Chase because it's the right thing to do. You should show the team that you'd feel bad if you lost them. A little humility would do you good. Not to mention a little honesty and positive reinforcement." She shook her head, looking remarkably like Cameron had earlier when she and Foreman had burst into my office.

"If the team thinks that they can walk all over you because of that then I'm sure you'll disabuse them of that idea as soon as they even try it. Then everything will be back to normal. Except maybe, just maybe you will actually have a team that you are a part of, instead of always being on the outside because you have to be in control."

"Stop it, Cuddy, I think I might cry!" I make a sound like a gagging noise, but I can tell by her look that she knows she got to me

"I'm never gonna be a warm and fuzzy type of person. That's not me." I remind her.

"You don't have to be. But you might try being a little les hard and 'prickly' "

I smile at the pun and walk out.

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I find Chase in his new office later that night as he prepares to go home.

He looks up at me, surprised to see me no doubt, and then looks back down.

I knock and walk in at the same time.

"So, this is your new place. You're making it look so homey," I joke, though I know it sounds lame.

"What do you want?" He asks abruptly.

"Well, that's a nice greeting." I sigh and realize I need to get to the point. He obviously is not in the mood for my charm.

Such as it is.

"Look, let me get to the point. I am sorry for hitting you. Really sorry. I've-been under a lot of pressure with this whole situation with Tritter. I am even more on edge than I usually am because of it."

He looks at me and scoffs. Yes, he actually scoffs! "That's apology is as lame as you are. Save the bullshit, House. I know that Cameron and Foreman have threatened to leave if you don't apologize, and so that's why you're doing this. It's ok, please, just stop it. I'll tell them you tried and I rejected it, but that they should stay with you and forget about this. I told them not to go to you in the first place."

"I am not doing this because of them! Goddamnit-I was going to apologize yesterday, but when I came in and saw you were leaving I forgot about it."

"Yes of course, why would the sight of my leaving cause you to apologize like any normal human being would have? No, seeing me leave was your cue to yell at and try and humiliate me."

"I thought you liked humiliation," I jokingly say, hoping to ease the tension.

"Fuck you," he says in response, clearly not finding my attempt at humor funny.

"Ok, I was just trying to lighten the mood. I'm sorry. I'm_ really _sorry. Sorry I hit you, sorry I lashed out at you, and sorry I act like such an asshole sometimes. Most times."

"You don't get it, do you? It's not only about the punch and the lashing out! It's not even only about the way you act most of the time. It's that you didn't trust me. And since you didn't even mention that I guess you still don't."

"I'm sorry that I didn't trust you. I don't know why I didn't mention it just now. Maybe it's because all Cameron and Foreman and Cuddy have been focusing on is the punch."

"Listen House, the last thing I want is a coerced apology. It's also the last thing I need from you."

I was getting ready to respond to his "coerced apology" remark when the last of his sentence hit me.

"The last thing you need from me?" I say and am pleased when I see a blush creep up his cheeks. He looks down and bites his lip, the one that was bleeding yesterday. It's sore and he grimaces, but he doesn't say anything and he still doesn't look up.

"You need something from me, Chase?" I say this very softly and move closer to him.

"What? What is it you need?" I half sit down on the desk, knowing I'm crowding him but not caring. He doesn't move away but he gets even redder, the redness spreading to his ears.

I can't help but think he looks cute like that.

I put my hand lightly on his shoulder and he almost reaches for me with his own.

Then he pulls back and says "House what the hell are you doing?"

I'm not planning on backing down, but he says "I need for you to treat me with respect! I need to be treated like I'm an intelligent, important member of the team and a human being!"

I look him in the eye and say "You're lying. You want more than that."

He blinks and gets up to leave.

"I have to go home. This conversation is over."

"Admit it," I challenge him. "Tell me the truth."

This angers him and he says "The truth. Do you know how hypocritical that sounds coming from you? Don't you remember?" he asks as he walks away.

"Everybody lies."

I look at him in frustration as he walks away.

This time though, I am not going home and getting drunk. This time I'm going to surprise Dr. Chase with a night time visit he won't be able to walk away from.

I'm going to follow him home.


	3. Chapter 3

After Chase leaves I go back to my office. I am determined to get out of there as quickly as possible so I can follow him home and impress him with my powers of seduction, charm and persuasion.

Or something like that.

The truth is, I have no idea what I will say to Chase when I see him. I just know I can't leave things the way they are.

Unfortunately for my plan I have the most annoying person on the planet waiting in my office when I get there.

Shit.

_"Officer _Tritter" what an unpleasant surprise. I'm in a hurry. I'm also off duty. So if you're looking to either harass me or need me to diagnose you come back tomorrow."

"Actually I'm not here for either reason. I just wanted to ask you a question. "

I sigh. This is another roundabout way of insulting me, but the sooner I answer whatever this asshole wants to know the quicker I can leave and get to Chase.

"What?"

"What is it about you?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

He repeats the question as though I should know what he means.

"What is it about you that makes everyone around you stick up for you? What inspires such loyalty? "

At my blank look he shakes his head and goes on. "I've talked to everyone on your team, your boss and the head of oncology. Nobody will say anything to help me in my investigation. Since it's obvious everyone is lying to me I have to wonder why."

I don't know what to say to that, so of course I say, "My winning personality? My good looks? "

He laughs at me and shakes his head. "Obviously neither of those things. I've never seen a group of people stand so steadfastly behind someone who does nothing but berate and belittle them. Of course, in the case of the beautiful blond it's pretty obvious what the motivation is."

I am looking down, pretending disinterest in the whole conversation, inwardly amazed that everyone had been behind me.

My head snaps up at the mention of the "beautiful blond".

That could only mean Chase.

"What the hell are you trying to say?"

Tritter snorts at me as though I am an idiot, which it seems I am when it comes to Chase.

"He's in love with you. And no, he didn't say that. I can tell, though. I can always tell the way someone acts when they're in love with an addict." He sighs, and I can hear his unspoken 'I've looked that way myself ' as he does so.

He goes on. "It's a shame he's wasting his time on you."

For once I don't rise to the bait, and don't respond with a taunt about why he should care. I just ask softly,"What did he say to you?"

"He didn't SAY he was in love with you. It was just obvious that when he was listing your 'attributes' that he wasn't just admiring your skill as a doctor."

He looks at me curiously. "You really had no idea? Well, everyone has secrets, but I thought you were a brilliant diagnostician. You've known this man for how many years now, and you couldn't see it?"

He laughs and then gets serious in that furrowed brow, supposedly sincere way that he has, and said, "Do him a favor. If you never noticed it before and you've never talked about it, leave him alone. He's so pretty that he'll find someone else who could actually deserve him."

I bristle, and this time I can't resist rising to the bait. "Who the fuck are you to talk about him like that? Who the fuck are you to talk about him at all? Don't talk about things you can't 'understand', and get out of my office now, before I call security. There's a limit to much you can get away with, even if you are investigating me!"

He laughs at me. "I struck a nerve, did I? Alright, I'll go, for now." As he walks out he says,"You really are a fool, you know that, right?"

When he is gone I sit down and sigh.

"Yes, I do know that," I say aloud to no one in particular.

After the illustrious detective leaves I mull over what he said to me.

Was it better if I just left Chase alone? Tritter was an asshole, but he was right when he said he'd hit a nerve.

I wasn't any good for Chase.

I wasn't any good for anyone.

I reach into the drawer and pull out a bottle of booze.

A couple of shots of 'liquid courage' later and I was railing against that smug son of a bitch, Tritter. Who the hell was he to tell me to stay away from Chase, who was he to act like he knew anything at all about him, the 'beautiful blond'?

Who the fuck was he to call Chase the 'beautiful blond', anyway?

Oh great, now I was jealous of Tritter.

I really HAD gone insane.

One more shot later and I'd convinced myself that everything Tritter had said came from his jealousy. He obviously had a bit of a thing for Chase, and it killed him that he actually-I could hardly bring myself to say the next part because I couldn't really accept it-was in love with me?

I stop myself before ending up throwing another glass against the wall. I decide that I am going to see Chase before I really do get drunk and everything I didn't want to happen last night ends up happening tonight.

Namely that I go there drunk and act even more stupid than I probably would end up acting sober-well, semi sober.

Hopefully the ride over to Chase's place will snap me out of the slight tipsiness I am feeling.

By the time I get to Chase's I am furious. Furious at Tritter, and furious at myself.

I think back to every stupid thing I've said to Chase, ending with the punch I threw yesterday.

I hear mournful music coming from Chase's apartment, and peer in to find him sitting on the floor, his head leaning back against the couch.

Tritter's words ring in my head-telling me to leave him alone, and I know he's right.

If I want to do something unselfish for once in my life I will leave now and never bother him again.

I sigh. Unfortunately for Chase, I really am a selfish bastard.

I need to know what was really going on. Not just to satisfy my curiosity, or to stroke my "monumental ego" (thanks, Wilson) but because I really do-need to know.

I want to know.

Fuck-I want Chase. Badly.

All of a sudden it is like something consumes me and I start knocking on his door in a frenzy.

He looks up in annoyance and more than a little bit of shock.

"Who is it?" He gets up and starts walking to the door and I swear as he gets closer the only thing I'm thinking is that when he opens the door I am going to...

He opens the door and I-

Grab him and push him backwards into his hallway.

Push him back against the hall closet.

Grab him and kiss him so hard I think we are both going to spontaneously combust.

His expression goes from being astonished to being panicked and then as eagerly passionate as I'm sure mine is.

He also becomes as frantic as I am, pushing me around until we are banging into the furniture, knocking things off the tables and pictures off the walls, collapsing in a heap on the floor, rolling on top of each other until my head smashes into some object and topples over.

Thankfully not on us.

Clarity overcomes his lust because he pushes me off and says, "House, what the fuck are you doing?"

"Tell me your secrets," I say as he looks at me as though I have lost my mind. "Everyone has secrets. Tell me what yours are. Tell me what you think about, dream about, what goes through your mind when you're alone at night and you're horny, when you're lonely?" I keep touching him as I talk, frantic not to lose contact with his body.

"House are you out of your mind or just drunk, or –no, don't tell me, you're high, right?"

"No, look at me! I'm none of those things. I just-I have to know-what is it you're feeling for me? What is it that other people can see but I can't? You're right that I don't have a fucking clue, so tell me? What is it that you are feeling? What do you want from me?"

He scrambles away and says angrily ,"I don't want a fuckin' thing from you! Why would you think that?"

I gesture to the room, which by now looks like a certifiable disaster area.

"You seemed to want a lot from me just now."

"Go away. I don't want you here. You are nothing but trouble for me."

I move closer and grab his arms.

"That's not how you feel. You're lying, I know it. You just proved it. I may be trouble for you, but you DO want me. Now tell me, what is it you want?" I start stroking him and I know I shouldn't –

Fuck –I came here to talk to him, but this –I don't know what- just took over, and now I can't stop it. I start touching him all over, all the parts of his body I never admitted I wanted to see much less touch.

I want to savor every part of him.

I let my fingers run over his body the way I would let them run over the keys of the piano.

Chase becomes a melody, something that I need to explore, learn, and ultimately possess.

He looks at me furiously and tries pushing my hand off him a few times, but as I touch him I realized I do know him.

It is as though I'd done this before, many times before, like we'd been laying here on this floor, in this place, many, many times.

I feel him start to relax against me.

"Tell me," I say as I stroke his hair, run my fingers in it, tug at it, pull it, bury my nose in it, the smell of it and the feeling of it in my hands has the same effect on me as touching his face does. I start stroking his skin, kissing his eyelashes, tracing the outline of his face, of his lips. Smiling when his mouth opens up automatically to take my finger in it. I almost say something about oral fixations, but decide this isn't the right time for levity.

He grabs my hand and starts kissing it softly, and I am about to lose it, I lose myself in him, in his body, his taste, his touch. My fingers go down the length of his neck, still stroking, running my fingertips down his neck, watching him arch into my touch. Watching his eyes close, hearing the soft moans coming out of his mouth.

I impatiently rip his tee shirt so I can have better access to his chest, and I catch my breath when I can look and touch the sight I saw exposed to me those months ago in the janitor's closet.

Silk, Chase's skin not only looks like silk, it feels like it too.

It tastes like silk, but it heats up like it's on fire.

I gently touch his nipples, gentle touches as I find myself suddenly awestruck in the face of his beauty. I want to make this last, I want this to go on, so I tease him, I brush his nipples with my fingers, then lick them lightly and blow on them.

Chase moans, loudly now.

I continue my exploration of his body, letting it tell me his secrets, letting it tell me what he wants, what he needs.

He arches into my touch when I gently lick at his navel, and I push his shorts off his hips, pulling his underwear down as I do so. I can't wait to touch all of him, to feel him from the inside, but I want to really feel this.

I want him to really feel this.

I want to lay my imprint on his body, and on his soul.

I can tell from the way he looks at me when he opens his eyes that I already have an imprint on his heart.

He's laid his imprint on mine.

I feel humbled by that and almost stop, but I can't stop this now.

I'm playing him, strumming his body, feeling us meld together, and I couldn't stop now if-well I couldn't stop now for any reason.

I gently let my fingers roam down his pubic hair, nuzzling into him, inhaling the scent of Chase, the scent of his desire, his sex, his essence.

He arches his back, and opens his legs, inviting me in.

I pull his shorts and briefs off his body, throwing them in the pile of things that had fallen or been discarded in the midst of our passion.

He stops me, and for a frozen, fearful moment I think he's going to tell me to go home and leave him alone, but he only says in a kind of choked whisper. "Need to see you. Need to touch you."

It's then that I realize that I still have all my clothes on,

I start to take them off, but he says "No, let me."

And who am I to stop him?

He starts off slowly, apparently wanting to take his time and do the same stroking and committing to sense memory every part of my body as well, but he gets increasingly agitated and starts fumbling with my buttons. In frustration he pulls them off my shirt, and rips my tee shirt off in the process.

He's trembling as he unzips my pants, but his touch is so incredibly soft that it drives me even wilder than it would have had it been hard and demanding while exploring my body.

I help him take off my clothes, and he pulls me closer with every touch."You want to know a secret?" he whispers urgently. "I've always wanted you, always." He gently pushes me down to the floor and explores me, playing me the way I did him earlier.

"I've pictured you a thousand times in my mind, pictured you here in my home, under my hands, under me." As he's saying this his tongue is leaving little trails of saliva on my shoulder and little bite marks punctuate his words.

"Wanted to know how you would feel, wanted to feel your warmth, your strength, wanted to know if the heat I felt coming off of you was real."

He lifts my arms and starts kissing me gently underneath, down the length of them.

I never knew those areas of my body had so many nerve endings.

Or maybe they just never had them before.

"Another secret? Sometimes at night I can't sleep, and I lie here and I think of you, touching me."

I'm pretty sure the person gasping now is me, both from Chase's words as well as from the strong and incredibly soft hands that are winding their way down my body,

"Think of you, touching me just the way you did, kissing me just the way you did. I would sometimes just watch your mouth when you talked, just imagining how your mouth would feel on mine.

Then I'd think how it would feel on my cock."

Damn, another direct hit.

But a good one this time.

I had to hold myself back from coming at that moment, because I wanted to prolong this night as long as I could.

Prolong the way this felt, being touched by him, hearing him tell me how I had affected him.

"You touched me without touching me, so many times. You probably didn't even realize it, did you?"

Did I? No, unfortunately I was as clueless as he thought I was.

I manage to sputter out, "I think I always wanted you, too. I think that was behind all my remarks and my teasing. I just, well I haven't thought that way about a man in a long time." I let my words kind of drift off, I don't want start intellectualizing feelings I had,and I can't really focus on them now, anyway.

Under Chases' mouth and touch I am quickly becoming incoherent.

He settles down in between my legs, licking my thighs, nibbling lightly on them, rubbing his hands up and down my legs.

I find myself getting a little uncomfortable when he touches my thigh, but his touch makes me forget that.

The way he touches it makes me forget that I am ashamed of the way it looks sometimes, the way it makes me feel.

Although I would never admit it.

"My God, were you a massage therapist somewhere before you became a doctor?" I can't believe how good his hands are. How warm they are, how soft and gentle.

But of course if he were a massage therapist he wouldn't be using the stroke he is currently using on me.

Which is driving me out of my mind.

I flip us over so that I am on top of him because I don't want to lose myself just yet ,and I know if he keeps touching me that way that is what will happen.

Besides, I really want to touch him again.

He laughs at my comment about the massage therapist, but his face becomes serious when he starts stroking my face again.

"Tell me more," I say, and I know my voice is choked with emotions I don't want to identify or express at this moment.

"What, another secret?" he smiles at me, punctuating every word with a kiss.

"I want you inside me. I've wanted that for a long time"

Fuck!

"Where is your bedroom?" I demand, my voice husky with desire.

He gets up and takes me by the hand and leads me to the bedroom.

When he stands up and I can see him naked, my heart and every other organ in my body freezes.

God, he is really fucking beautiful.

"Come on," he beckons to me.

Everything seems to go in slow motion until we get to his room. We start kissing again, and somehow the fact that the door is closed means we have to crash through it and we end up falling on the bed.

I need to fuck him so much, his words running through my head. "I want to feel you inside me. I want'… Jesus, what the hell was wrong with me that I couldn't see this?

So locked up in pain and anger that I couldn't see something that could ease it, heal me, something that could give me some sort of salvation, some sort of –peace.

We're thrashing on the bed, and all I keep thinking is how deep I want to bury myself inside him, and he's urging me on, rubbing our cocks together, and stroking us with his hands, his incredibly warm, gentle, giving hands.

What the fuck was wrong with me that I couldn't see this before? Was I really that deluded?

Yes. Yes I was.

But now my eyes are wide open. 'Tell me, tell me', I was asking his body to open up more, let me know more, let me know all those things that I'd missed all this time I was I such denial.

"Need you, now!" I hear his voice, his breath ragged, and his tone soft and urgent at the same time.

I'm stroking his face again, even in the middle of my passion I can't help being struck by his beauty and the tenderness I feel toward him is taking my breath away.

I softly put my fingers in his mouth again and he sucks on them as eagerly as before. I remove them from his mouth and then with quiet urgency I insert first one finger than another inside him. I quickly add another as I get carried away with the softness and warmth of his body. He's making these sounds that are at once guttural and angelic. I feel emotion building inside me, and I feel like I could explode as I ease my way into him.

It takes only a few thrusts and then I hear him gasp, scream and push harder so that his whole body arches into mine.

Heat, passion.

We rock back and forth together and again I feel as though I'm playing his body, like we've done this millions of times before.

Though of course we haven't.

Except in dreams and subconscious wishes.

His eyes close and then open, becoming fixed on mine. His pupils are wide and I can tell by the way he's panting and gasping and the sounds that are pouring from him that he's close to orgasm.

I can tell by the sounds I realize are coming from my mouth that I am also.

And then it happens, and we're both shaking violently and holding on as close and as hard as we can.

Then I do collapse on top of him, kissing him. His legs are still wrapped around my neck, and we're embracing and holding on.

"Tell me one of your secrets," he whispers.

I look at him and I am silent, because I can't describe all that's going on inside me.

I tell him simply.

"I don't want to let go."

He smiles and says "We have to eventually," and strokes my hair.

"I don't mean now. I mean ever."

I force myself not to look away even though what I'm saying is scaring the hell out of me.

"I don't want to let go."

He kisses me and whispers into my neck.

"I won't if you won't."


	4. Chapter 4

I wake up to the feeling of something warm and soft nuzzling on my chest.

The warmth of Chase's breath tickling me, the quiet sounds coming out of his mouth soothing me.

His leg wrapped around me possessively, trying to burrow deep inside me.

There's warmth on my chest and it's made its way into my heart.

It feels like silk, it smells of sandalwood and almond soap, like musk and sex and sweetness and love.

It smells like Chase, feels like Chase.

I lift up his hand and kiss his palm.

It tastes like Chase.

I sigh-there's a war going on inside me now.

I think of that song whose title I can't remember:"Damn, you're young…"

He does look young. He looks so defenseless, open and vulnerable.

"Tell me your secrets." God, I'd pushed and pushed and he'd told me all of them.

Told me with his words, with his touch, with his lips, with his body.

Told me with his heart.

And now he is lying bare before me in more ways than one and I am petrified.

"Damn, you're young…"

Unbidden, the rest of the words come to me.

"Well, I don't think I care"…

But I should care, damn it.

I kiss him until I wake him, and the smile on his face makes me forget that previous noble thought.

"G'morning" he mumbles in between kisses and I groan and start kissing him back.

I'm totally lost, totally fucked.

Maybe he really isn't so young after all.

"I'm worried about last night," I begin.

He laughs. "I know. It's gonna be a bitch to clean up in there! Don't think I'm going to let you get away with not helping me, either. Since it is, you know, your fault," he says teasingly.

"Hmmm. I'm crippled, you know."

Chase laughs at me again.

"That wasn't stopping you last night. You did a very excellent imitation of a very strong, physically active man." He strokes my cock as he says this and I moan.

"You know, I never took you for a cold man, Dr. Chase. But that was cold."

He grins at me, still stroking me. "This is cold? No, I'd say it was hard, though." He laughs at his own joke and I can't help but laugh at it as well.

"No, not cold. Umm, manipulative then? Falsely flattering? Mmm-Damn, Chase!"

He knows just how to touch me.

"Is that too much for you?" he teases me and before I know it he's sliding down my body with his tongue and has replaced his hand with his equally talented mouth.

I didn't really get a chance to sample the talented Dr, Chase's mouth on my cock last night, but he seems eager to rectify that.

"Goddamn it!" I don't know what it is about being with Chase that has me constantly invoking God or Jesus or other heavenly deities I don't really believe in, but it could have something to do with everything we've done so far bringing me this otherworldly passion and feeling of love.

I can feel the passion building in me, Chase going deeper, taking me deeper into his mouth and making me feel.

Making me feel.

That's what was missing before.

I wasn't FEELING my sexual encounters. They were just something I used for release and to let go of some stress and frustration.

He knows just what to do to prolong the passion, the feeling, the ecstasy and the torment.

I've decided that he is a witch.

"You're a witch," I inform him.

He smiles and looks up at me and his eyes twinkle.

He starts humming around me and takes me in, all the way to the back of his throat.

I push back into his mouth and come like I haven't done so in years

He moves up and lays his head on my chest, and that simple tender gesture moves me.

"Robert sounds so formal. Should I call you Robbie?" I ask as I lay kisses on his head. I can't seem to stop touching him. His hair, his back. I realize that I might seem as though I lost my mind, but I can't help it. I feel like someone whose been left out in the desert for too long and is now soaking up every last ounce of water around him.

I should pace myself; I should remember not to drink too quickly or to take too much at once.

I could end up drowning.

He sucks on my nipple and I realize it's too fucking late for that.

Still, we should stop soon-we have sick people to take care of, we have to deal with getting Chase back to where he should be (with me) and listen to Cuddy's questions about what happened.

We have to deal with the team and their questions and (damn, why is it that none of them are afraid of me? Why do they think they can ask questions and demand answers?)

Wilson will know as soon as I walk into his office. He is one of the few people who has actually seen me happy and will know why as soon as he sees Chase back where he belongs. (With me!).

I think of Tritter. He'll also know what happened and he'll have that oh so smug and annoying look on his face when he sees Chase.

I look at Chase, who by now is moving that warm mouth of his upwards to settle in the hollow of my neck.

Maybe we can wait a while longer to deal with the questions and PPTH's version of the Spanish Inquisition.

I see him smile and I know I don't want anything or anyone to take that smile away from him.

Damn, he really is young.

I hope he can deal with the fallout from the two of us being together.

We get to work and Chase goes to Cuddy's office to tell her that he'd like to come back and be in diagnostics again. He later tells me that she grills him about it, and he tells her that I apologized and we talked things over and I said I realize how important he is to the department.

He grins as he says this to me.

Apparently Cuddy finds this odd but doesn't say too much else.

She'll corner me later and try and get information out of me, which I will not give her, of course.

Chase tells me that he has to stay in ICU for another day or so. They're shorthanded down there and things are hectic right now.

I tell him that it's ok-but I'm going to be extra horny tonight since I won't get to see him at all during the day.

I'm already assuming we'll be together this evening.

I really have gone insane.

Tritter finds me at the end of the day-his favorite time to confront me. I guess he feels like it's going to make me vulnerable or something. Like I'll be tired and let something slip which he thinks won't otherwise happen.

He comes into my office right after I finish talking with Chase and he sees me smiling.

Which of course pisses him off, royally.

"Well, you look happy for someone who's under investigation and might not have a job in a month or so." Since he gets no reaction from me he adds, "You might even be in jail."

"What the fuck are you talking about now?"

"Someone had a change of heart and told me that you have been getting illegal prescriptions. That could send you to jail, Dr. House."

I know I must have paled, but I do my best to look unfazed. "You're bluffing. What could have changed since yesterday?"

"Someone came to their senses, obviously. Maybe it was the beautiful blond you punched in the jaw the other day."

"You'd like for me to believe that, wouldn't you? You want me to believe that Chase would betray me. Why do you want me to believe that so much? Never mind-I know the answer. Well you can try something else, since I know for a fact it couldn't have been Chase!"

He looks at me, surprised. "Really? Are his movements accounted for since last night?" He pauses as he realizes what I'm saying.

"You're a selfish son of a bitch, you know that?" he says, and his voice is angry.

"I do know that. What's your point?"

"You're a damaged man. You're an addict, you hate the world, you have no functional personal relationships, and yet you let your –what- ego-allow yourself to take advantage of that boy?"

I open my mouth to protest and then close it again.

I can't dispute what he's saying. I AM an addict, I don't have any functional personal relationships, and I do hate the world. I'm an angry, cynical person who has acquired such a hard shell that you could peel layers off and still not get to the inside.

But Chase HAD gotten to the inside-at least somewhat and I had a feeling if he was in my life it would happen more. He would go deeper; I would let him go deeper than I had ever done with anyone else.

Tritter notices my hesitation and pounces on it. "You know I'm right. You'll only drag him down. He's had a difficult enough life; he's already had one addicted person to care for. Don't make him have to do it again."

Fuck-there it goes again! The guilt about my addiction, and the unspoken fear I have about loving anyone and letting them love me.

I will drag Chase down-no doubt about it.

Tritter goes on. "Besides, he's too young for you."

Even though I'd said the same thing only hours before, I still am furious to hear it from Tritter.

"Shut the fuck up. You don't really know anything about me-and stop snooping into other people's files and making assumptions about their lives based on that.

And if I'm too old for Chase, well then so the fuck are you."

Tritter has the good sense to blush at that, but he recovers quickly. "I don't have the baggage that you do, Dr. House."

"Everybody has baggage. Everyone has something that's hurt them, that's disappointed them. In your case I'll take a guess and say that it was an alcoholic ex. Maybe you also had an alcoholic parent. I don't know and I really don't care. But nobody has the single minded obsession that you have over some admittedly annoying but small slight- in the grand scheme of things- on my part,if they don't have major issues."

"I think you should forget about Dr. Chase, Dr. House."

"Are you fuckin' threatening me, Tritter?"

"I'm just advising you. Things could get a lot worse for you, and many things could come out of this investigation that you wouldn't like to have known."

"There's nothing you could tell anyone that they don't already know." I say warily.

"Is that true? Because I think there is. I think there's a lot about you that you wouldn't want a young, idealistic lover to know about you."

"Stop making me sound like a serial killer, for Christ's sake! I take pills for pain! If you had one quarter of this pain you would too! Everyone knows that I'm on pain pills-there's nothing else you could say that would hurt me. With a "young, idealistic lover" or anyone else!"

"Don't test me, House."

"Don't fuckin push me, Tritter. You know I can push back."

"Yes, I know. That's part of the reason you're in this mess now though, so if I were you I'd rethink any plan of pushing me."

I get up from my desk but he stops me."Let him go, Dr. House. Things will go a lot easier on you if you do."

My last words are: "Fuck you, and get the hell out of my office," then I walk away.

Chase is waiting for me downstairs.

The smile he has when he sees me quickly dims as he sees my face.

"What's wrong?" he looks so concerned and caring that I have this urge to do what Tritter suggested –no—threatened-I should do – and tell him to forget about me.

Damn, he IS young.

"Tritter," I manage to spit the name out while trying to force those thoughts to the back of my mind.

"Oh, don't let him bother you. He's an asshole. Besides, you said that everyone had your back. You have nothing to worry about, right?"

"Not exactly." Sighing, I tell him about the traitor in our midst. He looks at me and gasps. "You don't think it's me, do you?"

"What? No, no of course I don't! I don't know who it could be." I decide not to tell Chase about the rest of my conversation with Tritter. I don't want Chase to start mulling over what Tritter said to me and make him start having second thoughts about us.

I also have no intention to let Chase know that the annoying asshole likes him.

Although it might be a good idea to let him know-in case Tritter does say nasty things to him about me.

I dismiss the thought.

I don't want to think of Tritter anymore tonight.

I want to think of nothing but Chase.

When we get back to his apartment Chase decides that we need to finish cleaning up before we can have dinner. "Or anything else",he says, coyly.

We're putting the last of the things that did not break in the heat of passion when I take a good look at him.

His hair is falling in front of his face. It does that a lot, and though I always tease him about having longer, prettier hair than most women, I've always thought it sexy.

He's on his knees, putting some games that had fallen back in their proper places.

Are we really so different?

He is younger, but then again I have arrested development. So maybe we meet somewhere in the middle? I don't know.

He has been through a lot in his life. Is my life too fucked up? Will I end up hurting him just because of the life that I have?

The answer to that is yes. Of course I will.

Tritter is right. He's too young; I'm too old, too damaged, and too angry.

And I am an addict.

Speaking of which, my leg is killing me. I take some pills and Chase looks at me worriedly.

Shit, it's already started. He's going to feel like he has to take care of me.

"Chase, it's ok. I'm ok. Let's not let what's happening between us change the way we are with each other. At least, let's not get into a pattern of you feeling you have to take care of me. I can take care of myself. I've been doing it a long time." The last part comes out harsher than I intended it to, but it's the way I feel.

Isn't it?

I am angry that I've been alone, angry at the circumstances which left me alone.

But ultimately, it's been me that has made the rules. I was the one who decided not to let anyone close to me.

That doesn't mean no one ever wanted to be close to me.

I look at Chase again. He doesn't look angry at what I've said, but he does roll his eyes at me.

"That's one of the perks of being with someone who cares about you, you jerk. You don't have to always take care of yourself. Sometimes I'll take care of you, and sometimes you'll take care of me."

"But it's different with me-you know I'm –I have some problem with –"

"Yes, I know. Pills. Hello, I've worked for you for three years now! Of course I know that."

"But your mother-"

"Was my mother, not my lover. I don't intend to serve the same role in your life that I did with her."

"You say that now, but you don't know. Baggage, you know? We all have it. Yours is being a caretaker, mine is being an –addict."

He sighs and moves close to me on the floor. He drapes my arm around him and puts his head on my chest.

I can't think with his head on my chest like that.

Before long I have my nose buried in his hair, and I' m running my fingers through it.

I don't want to lose this.

I haven't even really experienced it yet, but the thought of losing Chase makes me feel empty inside.

"If you're so worried about me being a caretaker because you're an addict than do something to change that."

I look down at him and tighten my hold.

Maybe he's right.

Maybe he's not so young, after all…


End file.
